My life has not been my own having been used, abused and treated like an infant who is beyond their own decisions. Been stabbed in the back, harassed, bullied from a very young age, but I can still help others and not isolate in fears. Death is my ally not mine enemy even though the visions of my next lives to live are despicable to imagine living. The truth of life will be forgotten when reborn and this is a terrible thing to know.
Ask myself, ‘how are you’, and there is no clear answer. Liminal at best. No strength mental or physical. Too tired to make coffee. Too tired to type these words, to think. …— and, so ten minutes have passed, made coffee, lit a smoke, took a pee. Still no answer. Is what you do how you feel? Have done nothing today and feel the same. Need something of a schedule but have none. Erratic sleep and awake without accomplishment of anything.
The coffee and smoke are waking me up to feeling half way able to reflect. It’s what they call the blues I guess, about how usually feel. No motivation, no drive no purpose no reason to be other than just to be. All the dreams of a purpose have been relinquished to tiredness. And just hope death give an unknown purpose, a new revitalized energetic mystery.
It becomes to a depressing point where is no correct solution of a manipulated life but to continue life. The psychological game players – just accept it and move on is all you can do. Coping becomes a physical brain dullness, especially frontal lobe. A form of unusual stress. When they role-play to the point of acting like they are my victim even it gets psychologically very stressful and depressing. Would just desire to continue to visit the grocery to see what they come up with next! And the things of society you get to see get bizarre as well. Especially at Walmart, sluts with shorty shorts up their butt crack trying to show it all. Men trying to hide themselves in cover of hoodies. All with slap full shopping carts of junk. All using even two snap food stamp cards. That’s my town! Before sitting down to smoke and type this jumped into the buspar jar and feel much less stressed.