No foundation of the feeling of supporting love and without knowledge’s both. Was always ‘on my own’ from day one. So therein made plenty of mistakes. Where is and what is justice, where is and what is truth. Do we know, have we began to know anything, and we do not know the age of our own spirits. Are the hardships of life justice. We don’t even know. The ancient wooden staircase goes down to the centers of life then upward into the healing light. What becomes of one told they cannot open the door into light. Are they recycled with memory or travel into the elsewhere worlds. Maybe some are from elsewhere anyway. At least two are, me and another. And someday the youth mind will hopefully mature into the thoughts of the constructs of life and not the woods and metal materials. Even a different seat on the precipice overlook of pondering reflection and mediation… After seeing the meadow and mountains return once again to a molten glow of solid smoldering lava and ash-smoke who will be granted anything of a different chance to see a mountain or meadow once again. Do not know. No need to be paranoid or vain – it’s not about you. It is all of us. Every one’s future is different. We are none of the same. Every spirit age is different. Not necessary the age of its years. Hopeless helpless depressed with no one to reflect with. Need you to reflect face to face and you will not even gift a thought. Today has been a completely depressing experience. It is almost the 4th of 5/26 2300 hours plus of the 3rd. There is no purpose to live. No motivations for additional anything’s. Buspar is my only relief from chemical stress and the dreads of non-joys of the realities. Heaviness surrounds – at least it hasn’t been a liminal feeling day. Think just will take some meds, sit outside with the portable heater and try to enjoy a smoke… now returning after a few moments with a bright moonlight. The sounds of travelers and my clamors in the chilly spring-night air. Would have been nice to have had a small, contained campfire for additional company. The burn ban has been lifted for our county, but it is still very dry on this hilltop. The portable electric heat was good for in such moods a chill is very unwelcome. And have taken 30mg of buspar from the mood of downs a boost is much needed. Being one with me there are no gods to consult any longer. That just brings additional depressions. Wouldn’t be nice to feel loves right now, yes it would.